1988 GI Joe Tiger Force Tripwire

1988 GI Joe Tiger Force Tripwire – Cheat Day/Team Up Review

1988 GI Joe Tiger Force Tripwire

1988 Tiger Force Tripwire aka The Skoog aka Cat Skoog– today on The Dragon Fortress!

He dropped out of high school and got kicked out of a monastery. He’s an explosives expert. He’s a total Klutzy Karl.

And today, this Klutzy Karl shows off his Kitty-Kat Makeover.

Let’s cut the blue wire!

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1992 GI Joe Ninja Force Dice

1992 GI Joe Ninja Force Dice – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1992 GI Joe Ninja Force Dice

Motto: “I’m a back-breaker, a face kisser, and heartbreaker! Don’t mess with me, or I’ll go Pat Benatar on your ass!”

Rumor has it that DICE was once a Cobra NIGHT CREEPER, but was kicked out for being TOO evil! He refused to donate to the Broca Beach Fire Department for their annual Cobra Hook and Ladder Viper calendar, and that was more than NIGHT CREEPER LEADER was willing to tolerate!

Dice operates as a partner to the Cobra Ninja Swordsman SLICE, specializing in choke holds, pressure points, snares, traps, blunt instruments, woodwind instruments, and eye-gouging. His weapon of choice is the Bo-Staff, which he can manipulate with blinding speed and bone crushing power. It’s a hockey stick, wrapped in duct tape, with a steak knife taped to one end, but that doesn’t seem to blunt its effectiveness in combat.

His most dreaded technique is a motion he calls the “Flying Dragon.” Everyone else calls it “a sort of awkward backhand slap.” Dice is most troublesome when he gets behind the wheel of the Cobra Rat, simply because he never wears his glasses while he’s driving.

Equipment:

  1. Double bladed steak knife and salad fork bo-staff
  2. Battle axe
  3. Throwing spikes ammo pouches, spare car keys
  4. Delayed blast smoke bombs
  5. Tranquilizer throwing spikes for sleepless nights
  6. Steel-piercing throwing stars, bought in bulk discount at local mall
  7. Combat bandolier
  8. Padded, combat knee protectors/dashboard denters
  9. Traditional Dice Clan face mask (there is no Dice Clan, so traditions are arbitrary)
  10. Arm brace with convenient tattoo viewing window

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Russian Funskool GI Joe Pscyhe-Out and Road Pig

Russian Funskool GI Joe Jamboree – 23 Russian Funskool GI Joe Figures

Russian Funskool GI Joe Lot of 24

Back in November, I bit the bullet and ordered a lot of 24 Russian Funskool GI Joe figures from eBay. It’s possible you’ve seen the lot, as the seller seems to have many of them, and it’s also possible I directed you to the lot. I’m seeing these pop up a lot more on Instagram now, where people are selling them for over $25 a piece.

I ended up paying about $6 per figure, which is a fair price for any carded GI Joe– Funskool or not.

Funskool released Hasbro molds in India for quite a long time. And, for a while, they were cheap and readily available. In the early 00s, you could get many figures for $5 or so from YoJoe.com and SmallJoes.com.

As I was around 16 at the time, and my income was Pretty Bad, I only ever got a few of them. A Hydro Viper, a Cobra Eel, A Toxo-Viper, and Tunnel Rat. I’ve kicked myself many times for not scooping up Night Vipers and Crimson Guard Immortals. But I can’t change the past, since time travel is socially irresponsible, so there’s not much I can do about that now.

Funskool GI Joe figures are much more expensive now than they were then. I’m not sure what the distinction between the Russian and Indian versions of these figures are (as my Russian and Indian Hydro Vipers and Eels seem nearly identical, for example), but none of them should fetch $35 carded.

But the GI Joe market is weird right now.

Anyway, if you’re looking into buying any of these figures, I hope this post helps you. I’ll be keeping each figure’s write up short and to the point. Also, if you do decide to buy these, I recommend buying them in a lot from Russia, as that’s bound to be cheaper than buying them for $20+ each.

And before you say “wait these aren’t from the 90s,” understand that at least some of them are 90s molds, understand maybe some were released in the 90s, and understand that I absolutely don’t care.

(Update from Mike T. of Forgotten Figures: “I believe [These Russian Funskool Figures] were produced in the early 2000’s, at the same time that Funskool was pumping out all the figures that ended up in the US, too.

Let’s jam.

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1993 GI Joe Star Brigade Invader

1993 GI Joe Star Brigade Invader – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1993 GI Joe Star Brigade Invader

It’s Cobra’s interplanetary attack craft that’s “hoppin” mad! It’s also sincerely “hoppin” you won’t notice it’s just an older toy, which no one liked the first time around, with a missile launcher glued to one of its legs!

The INVADER attacks by plummeting from the upper atmosphere and pouncing on unsuspecting victims dwelling on planet surfaces. That is, it would if its targeting read out was any larger or more sophisticated than a Sega Game Gear, and its pilot had even rudimentary military training. Instead, when you see the INVADER coming from a mile away, you’ll notice it looks like a big neon blender with legs, and you can just either take a few steps to the right or get into your car and go out for a pack of smokes.

Don’t worry, the INVADER isn’t going anywhere. Regardless, this ballistic battle ball features lunar landing legs, an opening command canopy, and a spring-fired missile launcher. So basically it fires one shot, it can fit a plastic spaceman in its neon green innards, and it can stand up on its three legs. And we use the term “stand up” in the loosest possible sense.

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Top 5 Best GI Joe Characters

The Top 5 Best GI Joe Characters (According to Me)

Before we look the top 5 best GI Joe characters, I need to tell you a little story.

On the morning of Saturday December, 2nd, I sustained a nasty head wound. It required a 3:30am visit to the ER, an ambulance ride, a CAT scan, and three layers of stitches– with 30 stitches on the outer layer alone. The wound covers my forehead and goes down to my nose, which means my eyes are swollen, black, and blue. I looked like I just got jumped into the Los Locos gang from Short Circuit 2.

I say this not because I’m asking for sympathy (it was a dumb, clumsy, non-car related accident that was totally my fault) but because the photos in this post are a bit sub par. I’m not the world’s best photographer, anyway, but I’m always trying to steadily improve.

Because my eyes are swollen, my vision is not the best. My hands are even shakier than normal. But I wanted to get this post out, even with inferior photos. This blog is one of my favorite things to do, and I don’t want to let something like a little head injury stop me.

That said, this will be a Quick And Easy Article.

Now, on with the top 5 best GI Joe characters.

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1993 GI Joe Street Fighter 2 Vega

1993 GI Joe Street Fighter 2 Vega – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1993 GI Joe Street Fighter 2 Vega

Of noble blood, Vega has successfully combined the Japanese art of Ninjutsu with the skills he learned as a matador. He honed his ninja skills by watching Ninja Scroll 12 times in one week, and he’s pretty sure he saw a cow once. So, total ninja and matador. The result is a beautiful, yet fearsome, ballet in which led him to call himself “The Spanish Ninja” on all online forums and job applications. Vega lives by the philosophy that beauty is strength. Despising anything ugly, such as Hammer Pants and any post-1986 McDonald’s play place, Vega views himself as perfect– much how he views all Lisa Frank (™) products. He wears a mask to protect his face from enduring damage in battle, but it really just gives him pretty bad acne and allows him to smell his own tapas breath. Grody, dude.

Used by M. Bison primarily as an assassin, Vega often dispatches foes with his claw (sold separately).

Qualified Expert: All Ninja Force accessories, All NATO and Warsaw Pact chainlink fences, red roses, hockey mask, white roses, all animal-tested skin creams and moisturizers, wolverine claw (singular)

From the Files of M. Bison, Shadowloo Overlord: “Vega is a useful idiot. He’s like one of those kids who buys swords at the mall and practices in his backyard after school, but instead of his backyard, it’s my courtyard. Oh, and guess who buys his claws for him? Yeah, that’s right, me. Even though the guy has more money than sense, he’s super stingy. Still, someone has to distract Guile and Chun-Li when they come knocking at my door, and sometimes Vega gets a pretty good cheap shot in. Oh, and he’s really not that handsome. Have you seen Christian Slater lately? I mean, come on. There’s really no comparison.”

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1997 GI Joe Baroness – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1997 GI Joe Baroness

The spoiled offspring of wealthy European aristocrats, THE BARONESS is one of the few anti-government radicals to ever put her trust fund where mouth is. She graduated from student radicalism to international terrorism, and grew more and more ambitious with her plans to subvert international capitalism and the military industrial complex. Her parents still think she’s going through a phase. Despite her librarian glasses and privileged upbringing, The Baroness is a qualified fighter pilot, assassin, espionage operative, and intelligence analyst. If Cobra Commander ever dared to pay her 70% of what he pays Major Bludd or Zartan, he knows he’d wake up with one fewer kidney and his secret identity revealed on the front page of TMZ. Ruthless, cunning, smart, disciplined, and ambitious, Baroness put her college degrees to good use in service of COBRA.

Qualified Expert: M-16; AK-47; RPG7, Standard Issue Early 00s Laser Rifle, Leather Pants, Warby Parker Coupons, Uzi, All NATO and Warsaw Pact Fashion Magazines, H.I.S.S. tank operator, Fixed Wing Aircraft

From the Files of Cobra Commander: “Though my forces made extensive use of the scoped high-density laser rifle when we were suffering a budget crunch in the early 2000s, Baroness used that weapon before it was cool. Though it pains me to admit it, I often listen to her advice. After all, it’s either her or Destro– and who are you going to trust? The college graduate with glasses and a sophisticated-but-vague Eastern European accent, or a guy with an open collar and a disco medallion? And, unlike most of my command structure, Baroness does more with her spare time than snorting crushed up prescription cat valium, watching reruns of Home Improvement, and prank calling Storm Shadow. Though, to be honest, I wish she’d prank call Storm Shadow more often. She’s a master of silly voices! He’d never catch on!”

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1993 GI Joe Battle Corps Law

1993 GI Joe Battle Corps Law – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1993 GI Joe Battle Corps Law

As head of Security for GI Joe, Law has acquired a reputation as a relentless narc in the barracks and a loudmouth nerd on the battlefield. He’s a slow-talking, uneducated, and lazy military cop, but he usually shows up to work on time. That makes him an ideal candidate for the Battle Corps team. When Battle Corps needed a new member to protect the innocent from Cobra, they tried to call Shockwave, but he was busy driving a Lamborghini around Miami and loading up on gas station hot dogs (the kind with the cheese in the middle). Law wasn’t the team’s second or third choice, but he’d know that if he ever bothered to read the paperwork– or if he bothered to read anything other than Bazooka Joe comics and the Jungle Strike instruction manual!

Law is the kind of soldier who walked a beat for days, and then complained about it until HQ gave him a patrol golf cart. Law’s main goal is to rid the world of criminals, but since he thinks everyone but him is a criminal, he’s going to lead a very lonely existence if he ever succeeds.

From the Files of General Hawk: “I never cared much for cops, and Law is no exception. I liked him much better when his dog, Order, was still around. No one knows for sure, but the rumor is Law lost Order in a custody battle with his ex-wife. Order’s probably better off, but the Joe team mourns the loss of one of its favorite members. Order would go fetch you an ice cold Yo Joe Cola right out of the fridge, and even shut the refrigerator door when he was done. What a good boy! Law, on the other hand? Eh. He’s Duke’s responsibility, as far as I’m concerned.”

From the Files of Duke: “God dammit, Hawk.”

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1992 GI Joe Headhunter

1992 GI Joe Cobra Headhunters – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1992 GI Joe Headhunter

Cobra’s elite street level guards, the HEADHUNTERS, are ruthless, highly trained, and picked from the best Cobra has to offer. In order to meet the daunting Headhunter qualifications, a Cobra soldier must have a high school diploma, a GED, or any Warsaw Pact equivalent. Vetting for Headhunters is so extreme that candidates must pass a gruelling algebra test, know where the safety is on a 9mm pistol, be able to name four Bob Marley songs, and have a valid driver’s license. Former food service workers with more than four customer complaints are also heavily considered. Once a Cobra soldier becomes a Headhunter, they can look forward to standing around behind HEADMAN in a variety of dark alley and nightclub situations. The only thing Cobra Headhunters love more than sticking it to GI Joe is selling weed to undercover cops.

Qualified Expert: Shotgun, Knife, All NATO and Warsaw Pact Leather Jackets, Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy, and Alcohol… C-C-C-C-Cocaine

From the files of Cobra Commander: “Headhunters? Oh, yeah. Those guys are okay. You can hit them up on their beeper at 3am, and they’ll be at your house in under 30 minutes with whatever you need. And I do mean whatever you need. Well, kind of. I usually just end up with a bag of dirt weed (mostly seeds and stems), some prescription cat valium, and a frozen Tony’s Pizza. But, let’s be honest, that makes them more elite and dependable than 90% of my forces. That Headman guy, though? Fedora, ponytail, goatee, or bandit mask– you only get to pick one! Cripes, what a doofus.”

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1995 Mortal Kombat Sonya Blade (Movie Edition) – Dragon Fortress Reviews

 

1995 mortal kombat movie edition sonya blade

SONYA BLADE is a member of the US Special Forces and, unlike her co worker Johnny Cage, she NEVER GIVES INTO HER EMOTIONS. She is logical and stoic to a fault, and always considers all sides of an argument. She waits for all evidence before jumping to conclusions, and never lets feminine things like “feelings,” “good judgment,” or “intuition” cloud her reasoning, which makes her popular on web forums dedicated to gaming and atheism– that is, until her fellow forum members find out she’s a woman! Then, not even her extreme discipline, legendary toughness, extensive military training, sheer fighting prowess, and considerable intelligence can put her back into their good graces. When she’s playing Quake online, Sonya never turns on voice chat, but she always wins.

Sonya accidentally entered the Mortal Kombat tournament when she chased the renegade men’s cybernetics model KANO onto a boat bound for Abu Dhabi. The boat ended up on Shang Tsung’s Fantasy Island, and she ended up fighting candy colored ninjas, a four armed guy with a manbun, and a lightning god wearing a potentially culturally insensitive hat. Now, she’s tangentially related to GI JOE!

Qualified Expert: Cobra Commander’s Machine Gun, Knife, Nerf Football Missile, 14 Forms of Martial Arts, Live Motion Capture, FRIENDSHIP

From the Files of Shang Tsung, Mortal Kombat CEO: “All I really know about this Sonya Blade woman is that she’s a total narc. I was once minding my own business in the Earth Realm, driving my Pontiac Grand Am to an arms deal at an abandoned warehouse. She pulled me out of the car and confiscated a baggie of green leaves from my glove compartment. It was just sleepytime tea! You try getting to sleep with so many stolen souls swimming around in your body. It ain’t easy! Anyway, I skipped town for Outworld before my court date.”

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