1995 Mortal Kombat Sonya Blade (Movie Edition) – Dragon Fortress Reviews

 

1995 mortal kombat movie edition sonya blade

SONYA BLADE is a member of the US Special Forces and, unlike her co worker Johnny Cage, she NEVER GIVES INTO HER EMOTIONS. She is logical and stoic to a fault, and always considers all sides of an argument. She waits for all evidence before jumping to conclusions, and never lets feminine things like “feelings,” “good judgment,” or “intuition” cloud her reasoning, which makes her popular on web forums dedicated to gaming and atheism– that is, until her fellow forum members find out she’s a woman! Then, not even her extreme discipline, legendary toughness, extensive military training, sheer fighting prowess, and considerable intelligence can put her back into their good graces. When she’s playing Quake online, Sonya never turns on voice chat, but she always wins.

Sonya accidentally entered the Mortal Kombat tournament when she chased the renegade men’s cybernetics model KANO onto a boat bound for Abu Dhabi. The boat ended up on Shang Tsung’s Fantasy Island, and she ended up fighting candy colored ninjas, a four armed guy with a manbun, and a lightning god wearing a potentially culturally insensitive hat. Now, she’s tangentially related to GI JOE!

Qualified Expert: Cobra Commander’s Machine Gun, Knife, Nerf Football Missile, 14 Forms of Martial Arts, Live Motion Capture, FRIENDSHIP

From the Files of Shang Tsung, Mortal Kombat CEO: “All I really know about this Sonya Blade woman is that she’s a total narc. I was once minding my own business in the Earth Realm, driving my Pontiac Grand Am to an arms deal at an abandoned warehouse. She pulled me out of the car and confiscated a baggie of green leaves from my glove compartment. It was just sleepytime tea! You try getting to sleep with so many stolen souls swimming around in your body. It ain’t easy! Anyway, I skipped town for Outworld before my court date.”

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1991 Cobra Interrogator – Dragon Fortress Reviews

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No one knows where Cobra’s interrogator came from, and no one is sure why he picked the codename INTERROGATOR. In an organization that houses agents with creative names like Firefly, Big Boa, and Dr. Mindbender, no one is certain why Interrogator half assed the whole codename thing so much. What Cobra’s operatives do know about Interrogator, however, is that he is Cobra’s foremost expert on information extraction, torture, and gluing pincer claws onto perfectly good assault rifles. It’s said that Interrogator’s helmet houses sophisticated light equipment, and that his voice modulator can seduce information from the most seasoned soldiers with his patented ASMR techniques. Whether he’s waterboarding a Land Adventurer or threatening an Air Commando’s family, one thing is for certain– Interrogator lives up to his uninspired codename!

Qualified Expert: All Warsaw Pact Small Arms, All ADA Dental Tools, Most Home Depot Hardware, Red-Rotor Battle Copter, Boba Fett Helmet

From the Files of The Baroness: “You may think Interrogator is all about torture, but if you talk to him for more than five minutes you’ll know helicopters are his real passion. He just won’t shut up about them. But you’d think a man who dresses like an Eastern European dictator and who eats lobster thermidor every night would have better taste. Have you seen that battle copter he flies around? Hideous. And the troopers around Cobra Island have a theory: all that high tech light and sound equipment in his helmet is only there so he can listen to “acid house” and “the Madchester sound” at full blast from his gyroscope-stabilized Sony Discman. Most of our enlisted men agree that they’d rather endure the power drill or the hedge clippers than hear Interrogator talk about either his love of helicopters or his record collection.”   

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1993 Crimson Guard Commander – Dragon Fortress Reviews

 

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No one is sure what a CRIMSON GUARD COMMANDER actually does. Cobra Commander bills them as “elite officers” and “masters of corporate espionage and field combat operations,” but most Cobra personnel have never seen any of those descriptors in action. In fact, no one in Cobra is really sure if there’s more than one Crimson Guard Commander, even though Cobra Commander insists there that’s the case. No one knows if they have anything to do with the Crimson Guard– not even the Crimson Guardsmen themselves! Mostly, a Crimson Guard Commander seems to act as Cobra middle management, and that’s where their true ruthlessness becomes apparent. If some unlucky soul sees a Crimson Guard Commander in person, chances are the CGC is monitoring a Tele Viper or Techno Viper’s tech support calls for “quality assurance,” or delegating nightmarish tasks to Cobra’s enlisted men. Even Big Bad Cobras are afraid of the Crimson Guard Commander; after all, no one wants to shine Destro’s head or file Cesspool’s taxes– but a CGC just might make them do it!

They also insist their primary weapon is a highly-modified AK-47 laser rifle, like you can just stick AA batteries in an AK-47’s magazine and it starts magically shooting lasers. Yeah, right.

Qualified Expert: All Weapons Trees and Spring Loaded Devices, Totally Real AK-47 Laser Rifle, Minesweeper, All NATO and Warsaw Pact Quickbooks Software, Cobra RAT

From the Files of Cobra Commander: “I love those Crimson Guard Commanders! There are totally more than one, and I know exactly what they do and how they’re unique from the rest of the Siegees. Sure, a Crimson Guard Immortal is pretty great, but they don’t have COMMANDER in their name, so they just don’t compare to a Seigee See. Plus, the Crimson Guard Commanders totally supply their own bullets and never complain about putting money into their health savings accounts, unlike the enlisted rabble. Easily my favorite, most elite officers. They’re so cool and badass that if they ever turned against me (they wouldn’t), they’d be almost as dangerous as GI Joe! Plus we’re totally friends and hang out all the time, doing dirt bike stunts and shotgunning cans of Red Dog American Imperialist Lager in the Burger King Parking lot.”

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1991 GI Joe General Hawk – Dragon Fortress Reviews

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GENERAL HAWK is the kind of officer who gets into the thick of it with his team. The only thing Hawk fears more than becoming a desk jockey is playing Settlers of Catan with Lightfoot and Airtight. He always keeps one extra bullet on him at all times, just in case that nightmare scenario arises. Hawk isn’t even content to lead his troops into battle from the front– instead, he flies over them with a prototype jetpack, where he can yell orders, take pot shots at Frag Vipers, and never even get mud on his designer flight boots.

“At least he’s not Duke,” goes the popular saying around The Pit.

Qualified Expert: Two-Barreled Machine Gun That Overheats Twice as Quickly, Child Support Payments, 1981 Ford Ranger

From the Files of General Flagg: “General Abernathy is going through one hell of a midlife crisis! Most guys, even most military guys, go for a fast car, a few Mr. Big records, and a sno cone machine for backyard barbecues. But, no, not Hawk! He straps a bundle of jet fuel, four missiles that violate the Geneva Convention, two flimsy wings, and a space helmet on himself, and watches from above as his men are attacked by neon robots and mutant scorpions! My kind of guy.”

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