Top 5 Best GI Joe Characters

The Top 5 Best GI Joe Characters (According to Me)

Before we look the top 5 best GI Joe characters, I need to tell you a little story.

On the morning of Saturday December, 2nd, I sustained a nasty head wound. It required a 3:30am visit to the ER, an ambulance ride, a CAT scan, and three layers of stitches– with 30 stitches on the outer layer alone. The wound covers my forehead and goes down to my nose, which means my eyes are swollen, black, and blue. I looked like I just got jumped into the Los Locos gang from Short Circuit 2.

I say this not because I’m asking for sympathy (it was a dumb, clumsy, non-car related accident that was totally my fault) but because the photos in this post are a bit sub par. I’m not the world’s best photographer, anyway, but I’m always trying to steadily improve.

Because my eyes are swollen, my vision is not the best. My hands are even shakier than normal. But I wanted to get this post out, even with inferior photos. This blog is one of my favorite things to do, and I don’t want to let something like a little head injury stop me.

That said, this will be a Quick And Easy Article.

Now, on with the top 5 best GI Joe characters.

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1993 GI Joe Street Fighter 2 Vega

1993 GI Joe Street Fighter 2 Vega – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1993 GI Joe Street Fighter 2 Vega

Of noble blood, Vega has successfully combined the Japanese art of Ninjutsu with the skills he learned as a matador. He honed his ninja skills by watching Ninja Scroll 12 times in one week, and he’s pretty sure he saw a cow once. So, total ninja and matador. The result is a beautiful, yet fearsome, ballet in which led him to call himself “The Spanish Ninja” on all online forums and job applications. Vega lives by the philosophy that beauty is strength. Despising anything ugly, such as Hammer Pants and any post-1986 McDonald’s play place, Vega views himself as perfect– much how he views all Lisa Frank (™) products. He wears a mask to protect his face from enduring damage in battle, but it really just gives him pretty bad acne and allows him to smell his own tapas breath. Grody, dude.

Used by M. Bison primarily as an assassin, Vega often dispatches foes with his claw (sold separately).

Qualified Expert: All Ninja Force accessories, All NATO and Warsaw Pact chainlink fences, red roses, hockey mask, white roses, all animal-tested skin creams and moisturizers, wolverine claw (singular)

From the Files of M. Bison, Shadowloo Overlord: “Vega is a useful idiot. He’s like one of those kids who buys swords at the mall and practices in his backyard after school, but instead of his backyard, it’s my courtyard. Oh, and guess who buys his claws for him? Yeah, that’s right, me. Even though the guy has more money than sense, he’s super stingy. Still, someone has to distract Guile and Chun-Li when they come knocking at my door, and sometimes Vega gets a pretty good cheap shot in. Oh, and he’s really not that handsome. Have you seen Christian Slater lately? I mean, come on. There’s really no comparison.”

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The Hardest of the HardCorps! – A Love Letter to Lanard’s The Corps!

 

Lanard Corps! Chopper and Whispering Willie

Only GI Joe is GI Joe. Nobody Beats GI Joe. GI Joe Is There.

But what if someone else is GI Joe? What if someone might, in fact, beat GI Joe? And what if someone else is there?

Dear readers, I present to you– Lanard’s THE CORPS!

The Corps! is a highly skilled group of soldiers, hockey players, skiiers, wrestlers, spacemen, forest rangers, and street punks recruited from all over the world to fight a nebulous enemy force. No, not that team… the other one. Members of The Corps! are divided into units based on each individual’s skills, weapons, specialties, pants-wearing preferences, and the colors of their outfits.

If you can afford them (and you probably can), then you can hire THE CORPS!

A few weeks ago, I got bored of looking for the few GI Joe figures on top of my “most wanted” list. They’re all painfully expensive and hard to come by. Granted, there are plenty of great figures I don’t have, but I was feeling defeated.

To curb that feeling of rejection and further feed my plastic army man habit, I purchased a few lots of vintage, o-ring style Lanard Corps! toys from eBay. I bought one carded “8 man team” collector’s pack and a few mixed lots.

Lanard Corps!

This caused me to remember everything I love about The Corps!… and just a few things I don’t.

The Corps!, oddly, aren’t written or spoken about too much in the GI Joe community despite their similar construction, great sculpts, awesome vehicles, and neat character concepts.

So, in an effort to fill that void, I assembled a crack commando squad to nerd out about THE CORPS!

Since this is a huge post, even by Dragon Fortress standards, I’ve included a handy table of contents below. Simply click the chapter you’d like to read or, better yet, enjoy the whole post.

Let’s party.

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Star Trek Innerspace Shuttlecraft Goddard

1995 Star Trek Innerspace Shuttlecraft Goddard – Dragon Fortress Reviews

Star Trek Innerspace Shuttlecraft Goddard

For this review of the 1995 Star Trek Innerspace Shuttlecraft Goddard, I’m writing a smaller review than usual. I’ll say I’m keeping at a micro level in honor of this tiny vehicle/playset and its diminutive inhabitants, but it could also be because there’s only so much to say about two semi-articulated figures and their dwarf hamster-sized vehicle.

I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether I’m paying tribute or being a lazy slob, dear readers.

Anyway, no smartass filecard or tech spec mimicry this time! If you want to read about the Shuttlecraft Goiddard, here’s a link to its entry at Memory Alpha.

On with the review!

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1997 GI Joe Baroness – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1997 GI Joe Baroness

The spoiled offspring of wealthy European aristocrats, THE BARONESS is one of the few anti-government radicals to ever put her trust fund where mouth is. She graduated from student radicalism to international terrorism, and grew more and more ambitious with her plans to subvert international capitalism and the military industrial complex. Her parents still think she’s going through a phase. Despite her librarian glasses and privileged upbringing, The Baroness is a qualified fighter pilot, assassin, espionage operative, and intelligence analyst. If Cobra Commander ever dared to pay her 70% of what he pays Major Bludd or Zartan, he knows he’d wake up with one fewer kidney and his secret identity revealed on the front page of TMZ. Ruthless, cunning, smart, disciplined, and ambitious, Baroness put her college degrees to good use in service of COBRA.

Qualified Expert: M-16; AK-47; RPG7, Standard Issue Early 00s Laser Rifle, Leather Pants, Warby Parker Coupons, Uzi, All NATO and Warsaw Pact Fashion Magazines, H.I.S.S. tank operator, Fixed Wing Aircraft

From the Files of Cobra Commander: “Though my forces made extensive use of the scoped high-density laser rifle when we were suffering a budget crunch in the early 2000s, Baroness used that weapon before it was cool. Though it pains me to admit it, I often listen to her advice. After all, it’s either her or Destro– and who are you going to trust? The college graduate with glasses and a sophisticated-but-vague Eastern European accent, or a guy with an open collar and a disco medallion? And, unlike most of my command structure, Baroness does more with her spare time than snorting crushed up prescription cat valium, watching reruns of Home Improvement, and prank calling Storm Shadow. Though, to be honest, I wish she’d prank call Storm Shadow more often. She’s a master of silly voices! He’d never catch on!”

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1993 GI Joe Battle Corps Law

1993 GI Joe Battle Corps Law – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1993 GI Joe Battle Corps Law

As head of Security for GI Joe, Law has acquired a reputation as a relentless narc in the barracks and a loudmouth nerd on the battlefield. He’s a slow-talking, uneducated, and lazy military cop, but he usually shows up to work on time. That makes him an ideal candidate for the Battle Corps team. When Battle Corps needed a new member to protect the innocent from Cobra, they tried to call Shockwave, but he was busy driving a Lamborghini around Miami and loading up on gas station hot dogs (the kind with the cheese in the middle). Law wasn’t the team’s second or third choice, but he’d know that if he ever bothered to read the paperwork– or if he bothered to read anything other than Bazooka Joe comics and the Jungle Strike instruction manual!

Law is the kind of soldier who walked a beat for days, and then complained about it until HQ gave him a patrol golf cart. Law’s main goal is to rid the world of criminals, but since he thinks everyone but him is a criminal, he’s going to lead a very lonely existence if he ever succeeds.

From the Files of General Hawk: “I never cared much for cops, and Law is no exception. I liked him much better when his dog, Order, was still around. No one knows for sure, but the rumor is Law lost Order in a custody battle with his ex-wife. Order’s probably better off, but the Joe team mourns the loss of one of its favorite members. Order would go fetch you an ice cold Yo Joe Cola right out of the fridge, and even shut the refrigerator door when he was done. What a good boy! Law, on the other hand? Eh. He’s Duke’s responsibility, as far as I’m concerned.”

From the Files of Duke: “God dammit, Hawk.”

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1996 Transformers Beast Wars Tigatron

1996 Transformers Beast Wars Tigatron – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1996 Transformers Beast Wars Tigatron

MAXIMAL: Tigatron
Function:  Reconnaissance
Secret Weapon Location: Bum and Tummy

Appointed by Optimus Primal as the Maximals’ main polar kitty, TIGATRON is one furrocious recon-bot. Supposed to roam the frozen tundra in animal form, but spends most of his time among the same temperate climate, composed of four CGI rocks and six CGI trees, as the rest of his team. His cute kitty butt and wiggly tail convert into a powerful quasar cannon, and the Meow Mix and tuna that powers his toxic fluid blaster renders his enemies’ bodies completely useless. Powerful and considered fearless, even though he’s just a pale version of Cheetor. He is Airrazor’s soulmate, but spends most of his time napping and knocking Optimus Primal’s coffee mug off of the Axalon’s kitchen table. Wise beyond his years and born housetrained.

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1992 GI Joe Headhunter

1992 GI Joe Cobra Headhunters – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1992 GI Joe Headhunter

Cobra’s elite street level guards, the HEADHUNTERS, are ruthless, highly trained, and picked from the best Cobra has to offer. In order to meet the daunting Headhunter qualifications, a Cobra soldier must have a high school diploma, a GED, or any Warsaw Pact equivalent. Vetting for Headhunters is so extreme that candidates must pass a gruelling algebra test, know where the safety is on a 9mm pistol, be able to name four Bob Marley songs, and have a valid driver’s license. Former food service workers with more than four customer complaints are also heavily considered. Once a Cobra soldier becomes a Headhunter, they can look forward to standing around behind HEADMAN in a variety of dark alley and nightclub situations. The only thing Cobra Headhunters love more than sticking it to GI Joe is selling weed to undercover cops.

Qualified Expert: Shotgun, Knife, All NATO and Warsaw Pact Leather Jackets, Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy, and Alcohol… C-C-C-C-Cocaine

From the files of Cobra Commander: “Headhunters? Oh, yeah. Those guys are okay. You can hit them up on their beeper at 3am, and they’ll be at your house in under 30 minutes with whatever you need. And I do mean whatever you need. Well, kind of. I usually just end up with a bag of dirt weed (mostly seeds and stems), some prescription cat valium, and a frozen Tony’s Pizza. But, let’s be honest, that makes them more elite and dependable than 90% of my forces. That Headman guy, though? Fedora, ponytail, goatee, or bandit mask– you only get to pick one! Cripes, what a doofus.”

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1995 Mortal Kombat Sonya Blade (Movie Edition) – Dragon Fortress Reviews

 

1995 mortal kombat movie edition sonya blade

SONYA BLADE is a member of the US Special Forces and, unlike her co worker Johnny Cage, she NEVER GIVES INTO HER EMOTIONS. She is logical and stoic to a fault, and always considers all sides of an argument. She waits for all evidence before jumping to conclusions, and never lets feminine things like “feelings,” “good judgment,” or “intuition” cloud her reasoning, which makes her popular on web forums dedicated to gaming and atheism– that is, until her fellow forum members find out she’s a woman! Then, not even her extreme discipline, legendary toughness, extensive military training, sheer fighting prowess, and considerable intelligence can put her back into their good graces. When she’s playing Quake online, Sonya never turns on voice chat, but she always wins.

Sonya accidentally entered the Mortal Kombat tournament when she chased the renegade men’s cybernetics model KANO onto a boat bound for Abu Dhabi. The boat ended up on Shang Tsung’s Fantasy Island, and she ended up fighting candy colored ninjas, a four armed guy with a manbun, and a lightning god wearing a potentially culturally insensitive hat. Now, she’s tangentially related to GI JOE!

Qualified Expert: Cobra Commander’s Machine Gun, Knife, Nerf Football Missile, 14 Forms of Martial Arts, Live Motion Capture, FRIENDSHIP

From the Files of Shang Tsung, Mortal Kombat CEO: “All I really know about this Sonya Blade woman is that she’s a total narc. I was once minding my own business in the Earth Realm, driving my Pontiac Grand Am to an arms deal at an abandoned warehouse. She pulled me out of the car and confiscated a baggie of green leaves from my glove compartment. It was just sleepytime tea! You try getting to sleep with so many stolen souls swimming around in your body. It ain’t easy! Anyway, I skipped town for Outworld before my court date.”

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1991 Cobra Interrogator – Dragon Fortress Reviews

dragon-fortress-1991-interrogator-field2

No one knows where Cobra’s interrogator came from, and no one is sure why he picked the codename INTERROGATOR. In an organization that houses agents with creative names like Firefly, Big Boa, and Dr. Mindbender, no one is certain why Interrogator half assed the whole codename thing so much. What Cobra’s operatives do know about Interrogator, however, is that he is Cobra’s foremost expert on information extraction, torture, and gluing pincer claws onto perfectly good assault rifles. It’s said that Interrogator’s helmet houses sophisticated light equipment, and that his voice modulator can seduce information from the most seasoned soldiers with his patented ASMR techniques. Whether he’s waterboarding a Land Adventurer or threatening an Air Commando’s family, one thing is for certain– Interrogator lives up to his uninspired codename!

Qualified Expert: All Warsaw Pact Small Arms, All ADA Dental Tools, Most Home Depot Hardware, Red-Rotor Battle Copter, Boba Fett Helmet

From the Files of The Baroness: “You may think Interrogator is all about torture, but if you talk to him for more than five minutes you’ll know helicopters are his real passion. He just won’t shut up about them. But you’d think a man who dresses like an Eastern European dictator and who eats lobster thermidor every night would have better taste. Have you seen that battle copter he flies around? Hideous. And the troopers around Cobra Island have a theory: all that high tech light and sound equipment in his helmet is only there so he can listen to “acid house” and “the Madchester sound” at full blast from his gyroscope-stabilized Sony Discman. Most of our enlisted men agree that they’d rather endure the power drill or the hedge clippers than hear Interrogator talk about either his love of helicopters or his record collection.”   

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