1992 GI Joe Headhunter

1992 GI Joe Cobra Headhunters – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1992 GI Joe Headhunter

Cobra’s elite street level guards, the HEADHUNTERS, are ruthless, highly trained, and picked from the best Cobra has to offer. In order to meet the daunting Headhunter qualifications, a Cobra soldier must have a high school diploma, a GED, or any Warsaw Pact equivalent. Vetting for Headhunters is so extreme that candidates must pass a gruelling algebra test, know where the safety is on a 9mm pistol, be able to name four Bob Marley songs, and have a valid driver’s license. Former food service workers with more than four customer complaints are also heavily considered. Once a Cobra soldier becomes a Headhunter, they can look forward to standing around behind HEADMAN in a variety of dark alley and nightclub situations. The only thing Cobra Headhunters love more than sticking it to GI Joe is selling weed to undercover cops.

Qualified Expert: Shotgun, Knife, All NATO and Warsaw Pact Leather Jackets, Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy, and Alcohol… C-C-C-C-Cocaine

From the files of Cobra Commander: “Headhunters? Oh, yeah. Those guys are okay. You can hit them up on their beeper at 3am, and they’ll be at your house in under 30 minutes with whatever you need. And I do mean whatever you need. Well, kind of. I usually just end up with a bag of dirt weed (mostly seeds and stems), some prescription cat valium, and a frozen Tony’s Pizza. But, let’s be honest, that makes them more elite and dependable than 90% of my forces. That Headman guy, though? Fedora, ponytail, goatee, or bandit mask– you only get to pick one! Cripes, what a doofus.”

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1995 Mortal Kombat Sonya Blade (Movie Edition) – Dragon Fortress Reviews

 

1995 mortal kombat movie edition sonya blade

SONYA BLADE is a member of the US Special Forces and, unlike her co worker Johnny Cage, she NEVER GIVES INTO HER EMOTIONS. She is logical and stoic to a fault, and always considers all sides of an argument. She waits for all evidence before jumping to conclusions, and never lets feminine things like “feelings,” “good judgment,” or “intuition” cloud her reasoning, which makes her popular on web forums dedicated to gaming and atheism– that is, until her fellow forum members find out she’s a woman! Then, not even her extreme discipline, legendary toughness, extensive military training, sheer fighting prowess, and considerable intelligence can put her back into their good graces. When she’s playing Quake online, Sonya never turns on voice chat, but she always wins.

Sonya accidentally entered the Mortal Kombat tournament when she chased the renegade men’s cybernetics model KANO onto a boat bound for Abu Dhabi. The boat ended up on Shang Tsung’s Fantasy Island, and she ended up fighting candy colored ninjas, a four armed guy with a manbun, and a lightning god wearing a potentially culturally insensitive hat. Now, she’s tangentially related to GI JOE!

Qualified Expert: Cobra Commander’s Machine Gun, Knife, Nerf Football Missile, 14 Forms of Martial Arts, Live Motion Capture, FRIENDSHIP

From the Files of Shang Tsung, Mortal Kombat CEO: “All I really know about this Sonya Blade woman is that she’s a total narc. I was once minding my own business in the Earth Realm, driving my Pontiac Grand Am to an arms deal at an abandoned warehouse. She pulled me out of the car and confiscated a baggie of green leaves from my glove compartment. It was just sleepytime tea! You try getting to sleep with so many stolen souls swimming around in your body. It ain’t easy! Anyway, I skipped town for Outworld before my court date.”

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